For once in my life, I actually feel that although I am feeling the drive that usually comes from a stress trigger and releaser at the same time, which I may not be able to do it- to reach my goal. It’s the strangest feeling ever, it’s like a defeat but at the same time I haven't lost, but seem to be losing. I can't get that knawing inside of me to stop. I’m impatient, I’m unsure, but I do want to get the ball rolling, but after nudging it just once, I don’t want to deflate the thing if I push to hard and too strong on one point.

Perhaps it is more akin to the feeling of someone just nearing the start line, only to realize that he/she is going into the race on an empty stomach. But however much he/she tries to do the best they can do to prepare; the timing is still not there. The effort of the history of the person's credibility is not available.

I happen to like speculations. I’m hungry, im foolish, I can want, but at the same time swallow, my dreams and be content to have them and to have the luxury of time on my side, or at least the foolishness to believe that I still have time and youth and energy.


--- Later 2:02am---
Am I crazy? Am I only raising hopes only to be dashed in disappointment? Right now, it seems the odds favor the unfortunate predicament. So am I only inspiring hope in vain? No, if I don’t believe it is in vain, than it wasn’t. The mind is a powerful tool. Goals are only strengthened by motivations. Don’t stop. Don’t settle. Don’t think you've reached your goal, and don’t modify that goal. Most people don’t even get half way. Don’t think that you are at your end; you are only beginning- the most exciting part.

Tonight, at the very least, my sister and I can go to sleep with a mind not only calmer, but far more focused.