PSY385 // Conflict Journal, unedited [DNC]

Entry One
Lunch at Seneca

I am at the caf, sitting at a table eating lunch and doing readings.
Enter group of guys-rude, crass- sit around me, in the empty seats. Conversation I'm less than impressed with. I was ignored. I felt a pressure to leave. I stood my ground in believing I was doing so in defiance. I stayed and pretended as though they weren't there. Eventually they left. But it was difficult for me to do the readings. Whether it was because they were distracting me with their conversational noises, or that I was agitated with the thought that I was being forced to move without being asked. I was pissed off with how they ignored me.

Entry Two

It's starting to get to me, this group of disruptive people in the class. I wish they were stupid, but they are capable, very silly and immature, but capable. To imaging any of them to work within the field is scary. Rude, obnoxious, loud, silly, and vain.

alpha - somewhere not here

Entry Three

On this particular Saturday close...
It was a split shift with the store manager and me. Customer complaints are not unusual for us, if anything they are expected. Yet even with every new customer standing at the counter, will still evoke the feelings of apprehension and being wary about approaching the customer. Should I smile? How should I first approach them? Customer feedback, in any form is a most valuable resource in the restaurant industry, and anything of value was that much more worth its weight in gold at this time. However, this seemed to be a recurring complaint within the next two hours. Anything longer that 5 minutes of confrontation, escalation and de-escalation, was developing into something more serious and hence far more difficult to walk away with a positive demeanor and remembrance of the restaurant.

there are these girls at school...

i'd would watch such beautiful people accomplishing such impressive tasks and yes i am lured and tempted by these glittering lights. I wonder if the personal choice, or just simply the habit and taking better care of myself, although i am very good at making the argument and escuse that i am above the superficial. But realy, how true is that?
Its the little things like taking good care of my skin. I want to feel comfortable enough to go out feeling that I am just as attractive without the make up. Afterall, make up is only to enhance what I've got, or to just let them focus on what I have going on. haha. In the end I don't want to wear make up to just go out and feel confident. It should be a choice to go out with a naked face, not because I don't have a choice. Am I really doing all that I can do? Or am I so far finding it far more satisfactory to just let some things go. Instead of taking opportunties at their peak. I can't keep taking for granted that I am another "Late Bloomer"- and furthermore, am I really thinking that at all subconsciously?

Why do I want law? Yes it does seem a bit dry, but at the same time I find the knowlege empowering. And I keep telling myself that it won't stop there.

tied down
unable to exhale
everything is forced to be kept in
bursting at all seams

I've open this same link over and over again, but the same blank screen leers back at me. Compose flashes in the corner, but nothing is ever typed in to the glaring white. And as my fingers teetert-tooter, hovering over the keys, my mind stretches to its corners pulling in vain for some memory, some moment to grasp and decipher. and my mind, she spins and screams as vicious memories gleam past, scraping, teasing in its tearing pain; the maybe of a promise from sometime past. the type where reality is just too far to grasp.

lifted me up the air, high high high
felt the worlds lifted away their cares
"my mouth is clean, i've had some learning."
"I've drank my worth"
and I've learned
when under the rancid lights
when its so cold cold cold outside
"your heart is ringing in my ear"