"hello, anita mae..."

who would have thought that I could have ever made such a right decision?
after dinner, enjoying my smoke, I reminiced our growing friendship. intriguing from the start, neither of us really knew what was instore, but we did have a feeling it would be a good friendship.

I'm so happy for him. I'm so happy that we both listened to what we really felt at that time. I've learned alot in the few times we've spent in each other's company. It's fun, well once I put down my guard I had up for a while in the summer. ha, sorry bout being so moody at the time- it was complicated. But, I admit, so I got over his girlfriend's weight, I got over her schulich education (to each their own), and I got over the fact they lived in the same town. But I have not gotten over this slightest twinge of jealousy that they had dance lessons! arg! ha,no I'm not really jealous. Just that I wanted to do that first! :P but I do want to meet this Alice of his life. I want to see his smile, and face light up when she's around.

The funny thing is that we tend to thing the same thoughts. As I was finishing my smoke, he comes out saying, "...knew we would be good friends." then again, "knowing me will get you fat." good food, good times.

We were both smart enough to do the math in each of our own relationships and have a common understanding of was going on in each other's lives during those few weeks in December. I do hope this friendship continues and grows with time. But then again, as with all friendships, time will tell.

I just never thought that this could be possible.

DID YOU KNOW...

…That I had a tea set as a child, and I did have tea parties with the jam that appeared on plastic biscuits when warm water was spread with the little knife? Only Mr. Friendly, and his guests would be there to share afternoon tea as soon as my I stepped away from my news stand behind the ironing table.
…I knew lazy, golden afternoons where the heat and humidity of summer drove my mind insane with the ticking of un-played seconds tocking by, and the drone of the a/c was constant. As soon as the high sun made the secret hideout in the shadows visible, it was my chore to tug the heavy curtains to draw shut. [These floor length, deep burnished gold were blackout curtains. -edit] And with their embellishments in a heavy embroidered weaving throughout, the shadows were sharpened against the sun’s light and the details of the heavy fabric felt through to find my tender fingers touching summer’s sun through fabric and a double paned glass.

*

When he responded, “Sometimes pictures are all that are there.” Something in me stirred. Something lifted its arms and wanted to comfort what feeling could have lay behind the sentence.
If I could, I would spin every unhappiness into a satisfying joy where your thoughts of ‘if’s, ‘or’s, ‘but’s and the ‘everything-in-between’ could find a silver lining and for you to say, that that was why I needed to be unhappy.

Currently, [blank look]

Yes, the Ontario Colleges Union workers are on strike. I am out of school for the time being. Am I nervous? Yes, and all this 'reporting' and news relayed to us isn't very helpful, informative or critical. So much for the news.

I can't go to sleep. I have to work tomorrow.
I need to do something, I feel like doing something creative, something visual.
I also need another pair of ears, I've thought my out and they are chaffed at the edges where each has pulled into themselves to keep my rambling sentences heard.

I don't think this particualr picture will stay, I do like the general format. It has some flaws, ie: no comments, a woman's jewelled buttocks other than my own- which is a flaw or not to some.

I need to sleep, stop worrying if I'll stress myself out later. Which is really a silly notion, because I'm already doing half the work now (in stressing myself).

I need to sleep.

Oh, well one of the other reasons I wanted to post tonight, was well.. It turns out I was whining. Hey, I'm not right all the time, I'm a woman! Sheesh, and aren't many a woman take pride in her fickleness? I just took it too far in my self-pity. And it never helps when I post before eating. I'm just a kid sometimes. Scary thought, hm.

appreiciation .. but maybe I'm just whining

make time.

i don't know if im happy enough to be happy. i don't know if he's ever happy.

i missed a vday card, i've missed every card that could have been received the past three years. i've missed personal gifts, you know the ones which you know are for you and you only. not something to be shared or to help benifit the other. kinda like the bowling ball homer got for marge :P

i think i am just being selfish, and whining. these are petty things right?
it doesn't matter that he can pick up jewlery and other more feminine trinkets for others, but when it comes to me...

am i not enough of an 'y' factor for people to even attempt to woo? am i just too strange to even fathom being able to appreicate the things other girls would rave over, gush over, hug and kiss over such a pretty gift whose only function is in its beauty?

maybe i'm jealous, maybe i'm not being considerate of another, maybe i'm temporarily ignoring everything else he may have done for us, me.

maybe i'm asking for appreication where its not needed.
maybe i'm asking all this at the wrong time.
maybe i'm asking all this from the wrong guy.

where do you figure out the friendship and relationship is truly a relationship set to last when these little courtships cease, or never happened at all? this all takes away from the bigger picture of trust, fidelity, and this obscure notion of what love means.

communication, is alright, great in some regards (almost too much so in some areas), and just lacking in others.

i took the puppy out for a walk, and it being a sunday figured i'd drop by his work after it closed, knowing that he'd be staying another couple hours doing work. an employee calls him out, he comes out. we have a smoke. not a smile. not a hug good bye. even the "see you in a bit" was more towards the puppy than to me. he had only called earlier to see when i'd be leaving kingston.

i need to get over this petty self pity and get to studying litigation and some more real estate- midterm and quiz first day back. there are a few things i can depend on for the long haul towards contributing to where i want to be, how i want to be treated, and what could make me happy.