ann.mae

apr.2

2006-04-23T21:46:00.000-07:00

the sounds fall from my tongue
but nothing my heart aches for makes an utter
lips forming empty circles, my touge lapping air void of voice
how have we failed
we had ripped through the stitches bound lips, resewn our severed tounge
and to what ends? to wag in silent acceptance, to hold for a frustrated release of condemnation and false happy endings promised with the speech starting with the ironic Once Upon A Time
these heart strings are pulled, again, yet as the fishlines tighten their irrevokable grip they cut, bite into chapped finger, the skin feathering into fragments of our beings to circle up into the wind
can you not feel it suppress can you not feel ur tounge ache can you not touch your hands and hold them gingerly hoping and holding onto what you thought you had
bring them to your eyes. the skin frightens you ...

another's person daydream and he slaughted through them

[apr. 14]: All along the same Avenue

2006-04-23T21:43:00.000-07:00

guy 1-you're the type of girl i can tell anything to.
*two and a half weeks later
guy 2-its like i can tell you anything
*more demanding than no.1, so ignored guy 1's phone calls
*a couple months later
*the estranged break up [g2]
*a couple months later
*the stumbled make up[g2]
*winter passes, spring and stress season
* the desperate call to [g1]

guy 1-you're too fiesty
girl w/ a pain to settle-for who?
for you're own good.. but in any case, you need to get a softer guy
what the hell is that supposed to mean? i don't respect doormats
so if we go out, you and i are happening?
god, i just want to talk
yea, but im not going to drive all the way out there for a talk i can do that here
so you still with your ex?
well [sigh], she's always been there for me
and you still doing what you've been doing?
have you heard of my site ________?
oh yea. i have. im happy that you've doing some good things for the community.
so you wanna hook up?
god, that's such your classic line
and you're rude too.
only when i need to be. so, anything new with you?
look why are you still there? you know i can't promise you anything
i'm not looking for promises
so wait, are you just using me?
what's the difference when things were like this before?
because..who is this again?
*few minutes later
maybe we should just forget it
i'll call you
sure sure

*8 months later: complications w/ g2, settles down and happy together in last 3 months
uncle of girl who's pain has been settled- hey, you know that rapper _____? he came in a couple months ago for a tatoo. that was just him on the phone. he's coming by saturday with a film crew and all. [talk to employees] hey make sure we free up saturday for them. [looks to his neice] yea, he's this skinny viet boy. here [show's digital picture]
neice formerly known as girl w/ pain to settle, aka girl who's pain has been settled-[grimice]yea yea i've heard of him. a film crew huh? [thinks- yep, {guy 1's name} and friends. thank god im not even in toronto this saturday. no chance in seeing any of them after a possible dim sum with family]

"hello, anita mae..."

2006-03-17T22:52:00.000-08:00

who would have thought that I could have ever made such a right decision?
after dinner, enjoying my smoke, I reminiced our growing friendship. intriguing from the start, neither of us really knew what was instore, but we did have a feeling it would be a good friendship.

I'm so happy for him. I'm so happy that we both listened to what we really felt at that time. I've learned alot in the few times we've spent in each other's company. It's fun, well once I put down my guard I had up for a while in the summer. ha, sorry bout being so moody at the time- it was complicated. But, I admit, so I got over his girlfriend's weight, I got over her schulich education (to each their own), and I got over the fact they lived in the same town. But I have not gotten over this slightest twinge of jealousy that they had dance lessons! arg! ha,no I'm not really jealous. Just that I wanted to do that first! :P but I do want to meet this Alice of his life. I want to see his smile, and face light up when she's around.

The funny thing is that we tend to thing the same thoughts. As I was finishing my smoke, he comes out saying, "...knew we would be good friends." then again, "knowing me will get you fat." good food, good times.

We were both smart enough to do the math in each of our own relationships and have a common understanding of was going on in each other's lives during those few weeks in December. I do hope this friendship continues and grows with time. But then again, as with all friendships, time will tell.

I just never thought that this could be possible.

DID YOU KNOW...

2006-03-08T23:52:00.000-08:00

…That I had a tea set as a child, and I did have tea parties with the jam that appeared on plastic biscuits when warm water was spread with the little knife? Only Mr. Friendly, and his guests would be there to share afternoon tea as soon as my I stepped away from my news stand behind the ironing table.
…I knew lazy, golden afternoons where the heat and humidity of summer drove my mind insane with the ticking of un-played seconds tocking by, and the drone of the a/c was constant. As soon as the high sun made the secret hideout in the shadows visible, it was my chore to tug the heavy curtains to draw shut. [These floor length, deep burnished gold were blackout curtains. -edit] And with their embellishments in a heavy embroidered weaving throughout, the shadows were sharpened against the sun’s light and the details of the heavy fabric felt through to find my tender fingers touching summer’s sun through fabric and a double paned glass.

*

When he responded, “Sometimes pictures are all that are there.” Something in me stirred. Something lifted its arms and wanted to comfort what feeling could have lay behind the sentence.
If I could, I would spin every unhappiness into a satisfying joy where your thoughts of ‘if’s, ‘or’s, ‘but’s and the ‘everything-in-between’ could find a silver lining and for you to say, that that was why I needed to be unhappy.

Currently, [blank look]

2006-03-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

Yes, the Ontario Colleges Union workers are on strike. I am out of school for the time being. Am I nervous? Yes, and all this 'reporting' and news relayed to us isn't very helpful, informative or critical. So much for the news.

I can't go to sleep. I have to work tomorrow.
I need to do something, I feel like doing something creative, something visual.
I also need another pair of ears, I've thought my out and they are chaffed at the edges where each has pulled into themselves to keep my rambling sentences heard.

I don't think this particualr picture will stay, I do like the general format. It has some flaws, ie: no comments, a woman's jewelled buttocks other than my own- which is a flaw or not to some.

I need to sleep, stop worrying if I'll stress myself out later. Which is really a silly notion, because I'm already doing half the work now (in stressing myself).

I need to sleep.

Oh, well one of the other reasons I wanted to post tonight, was well.. It turns out I was whining. Hey, I'm not right all the time, I'm a woman! Sheesh, and aren't many a woman take pride in her fickleness? I just took it too far in my self-pity. And it never helps when I post before eating. I'm just a kid sometimes. Scary thought, hm.

appreiciation .. but maybe I'm just whining

2006-03-05T12:50:00.000-08:00

make time.

i don't know if im happy enough to be happy. i don't know if he's ever happy.

i missed a vday card, i've missed every card that could have been received the past three years. i've missed personal gifts, you know the ones which you know are for you and you only. not something to be shared or to help benifit the other. kinda like the bowling ball homer got for marge :P

i think i am just being selfish, and whining. these are petty things right?
it doesn't matter that he can pick up jewlery and other more feminine trinkets for others, but when it comes to me...

am i not enough of an 'y' factor for people to even attempt to woo? am i just too strange to even fathom being able to appreicate the things other girls would rave over, gush over, hug and kiss over such a pretty gift whose only function is in its beauty?

maybe i'm jealous, maybe i'm not being considerate of another, maybe i'm temporarily ignoring everything else he may have done for us, me.

maybe i'm asking for appreication where its not needed.
maybe i'm asking all this at the wrong time.
maybe i'm asking all this from the wrong guy.

where do you figure out the friendship and relationship is truly a relationship set to last when these little courtships cease, or never happened at all? this all takes away from the bigger picture of trust, fidelity, and this obscure notion of what love means.

communication, is alright, great in some regards (almost too much so in some areas), and just lacking in others.

i took the puppy out for a walk, and it being a sunday figured i'd drop by his work after it closed, knowing that he'd be staying another couple hours doing work. an employee calls him out, he comes out. we have a smoke. not a smile. not a hug good bye. even the "see you in a bit" was more towards the puppy than to me. he had only called earlier to see when i'd be leaving kingston.

i need to get over this petty self pity and get to studying litigation and some more real estate- midterm and quiz first day back. there are a few things i can depend on for the long haul towards contributing to where i want to be, how i want to be treated, and what could make me happy.

Studying for Real Estate I midterm, CAN345 research project anxiety. = Boring Post

2006-02-04T14:57:00.000-08:00

Some interesting lines__
she's is that face
fading from veils the pouted lips rouged pink sheen

purchase and shine

Listening to:
Blinded by the Light - The Streets

Alright, I know that this seems to be just a shroom/alcohol induced song. But I love the brit accent and their beats. (Check out some of their other songs, and guys have to listen to "Dry Your Eyes Mate") Alright, so I'm feeling Brit hip-hop. I can only listen to the Black album for so long (wicked tracks though).

No, this was not to be a post for music analysis or anything of the sort.

*

Maybe what I said to the group was assertive or as just plainly anal retentive: "We're not in high school anymore" eww.. Can you remember M. Lesperance (I forget his name now,) and his Welcome to Grade 8?? What am I becoming?

I'm not the greatest team leader/coordinator. I lack in organizational skills and consistency in such areas. But I guess it may be just the drive to produce a better report gets me going into... well let us do it This way. But being among peers who are natural leaders, you kinda pick up a thing or two. One is listening to others and realizing that even though you may not agree to their ideas; try to incorporate the workable aspects of their idea in the groups plan-granted that the idea has any good merits. Second, is to not force yourself to be 'in charge' of everything. I mean you can delegate tasks, but realize your own strengths and if that strength isn't so much in administrative task, well you may just have to give up a fancy task name to someone else who is better suited to the task. I'd just give instructions on the sidelines. haha. But thirdly, and most importantly, is to not underestimate the people whom you work with and to stay flexible in any situation. Back up plan, Plan B, whatever you may want to call it. I prepare for the worst, someone not pulling their 'weight' (which is BS cause as soon as you enter the real world, who has time for whining just because someone isn't doing their 'fair share'? I mean, if I were to be doing this for money, I'd make sure I'd make it regardless. It's not proven where you can expect everyone to share with you the same desire of outcome or to even care about to process for an excellent end result. Most are just surprised with an A, others expect it, and then others work for it.) But whatever happens, don't panic. As soon as you start to panic, the others panic and no ideas come out to solve the problem. It's never another's fault in the group (that's just optimism and over-zealous confidence at this point), it how well you respond to mistakes and what you've done to make it work regardless. There are no second chances in group work or making an impression on those who may work with you in the future.

Most importantly, keep up the optimism. No one works well, or contributes that extra bit when they're in a bad mood or feel belittled.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's been a very long time since I was in a group oriented environment. Enough so that I feel anxious. I know what it's like to be a member, a follower, a person who takes and follows instructions well. So I don't want to be depended on and then fail. I need the grade! :P

It may all seem trivial in the end, but the future is only made up of the moments you make of now.

Well, I'm also scared that when I do start to work, I could get blamed for things Junior, or Law students would mess up on and because of where I am in their chain.. I get to be the scapegoat.

I'm craving Swiss Chalet

2006-01-30T22:21:00.000-08:00

I don't know where to start.
I don't think that it'd even matter, cause I'd just jump around to another topic in any case.

So how about if I don't and procrastinate another post?
I think thats a good idea.

Dammit.

MERRY [belated] Christmas

2005-12-25T22:38:00.000-08:00

turkey, stuffing, keylime pie and the rest of the fixings... omg i can't wait for the leftovers :)

alright, so i need a new phone and the phone im using for now.. well i'm not sure where it went.

argh.

well happy holidays to all.

kat- merry merry christmas, im soo sorry i wasnt able to return the calls. i dont have the speaker/hearing function working properly. it totally sucks these past few weeks with very minimal usage of the phone.

cheers!

ps. i am NOt looking forward to the Boxing Day mayhem at work this evening.. [sos]

be patient and be good.. arg need to complete errands...need keys.

2005-12-20T11:04:00.000-08:00

but here i am sitting again in the basement of the student ghetto. no its a nice ghetto actually. :P still waiting for the roomate to finish packing so i can get the keys. its his last day here, and we won't be seeing him again as a roomate for the following semester. im currently in Kingston, five minutes away from queen's. haha, i'm geared up in my old york sweater roaming the city for a good grocery place. hey, you ever wonder what Markham ever did with their buses from back when? kington hasn't upgraded theirs, yet. at the least the driver's have some personality here. i've made up my mind about small towns... not for me. i like a big city, with grid designed streets, the subway system, the shops, and the hours of most of the stores open till. yes i like the convenience of the big city. but what i do love here is the lake just a 1 min walk out the front door, and well i guess its worth coming if you're here or if there's an opening at the supreme court for a law clerk (you Queen's law studnets, watch out! har .. naw i have no chance).
but a HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the birthday boy/man, damn you getting closer to 30. haha. naw still young at 24, next year you can start to worry ;) .

im not looking forward to dinner, actually i am... but not looking forward to the preparation. i can follow instructions, so recipies are always a fun challenge.. but its different when you know the recipient can cook, and has been paid for his cooking. its hard to meet a goal of impressing the chef who catered to the red bull weekend getaways. but i can boil a mean pot of water.

so here's to the disclaimer/waiver he'll be signing prior to the meal.

cheers to exclusionary clauses, good food, tipsy wine and great company.
happy birthday.

empty pack of smokes... using a little other and chilling

2005-12-16T22:43:00.000-08:00

well here is the post i was about to post but then there was a call. im being sentimental and awfully gushy. i need a hobby or something. or just a really great book. damn, i have a project, so why can't i keep my mind on that! (stupid expectations)

hellooo?? anybody out there? i feel as though i've thrown into the dessert of noexamination... anybody? im getting awfully lonesome here with my past papers and tests. hehe. or im in a great need of a caffine fix, coffee anyone?

never scarb town centre again after six pm during holiday season. i mean they were actually wheeling a stack of crates of pop in between two of the narrowest asiles in the dollerrama! the DOLLARAMA!! omg, i nearly kissed my teeth today, but i know santa's watching and i've got to rack up the good points.

those mall walkers have a pretty nifty system. you wonder why you didn't get your size in a store during a sale? THOSE MALL WALKERS!! they have the mall times pat down. like the back of their tushies when they speed walk round and round.

oh yea this question appeared. is it easier to sex than to love? no need to answer. was just thinking of gifts to that someone special, and realized that i was short winded for inspiration. yes im panicking slightly.

is this working out because of our past? or are we really in love with each other? i mean really in love. is he really happy and am i really happy doing this from afar with the distance? and can we really be patient with one another when the timing for us to be together is right? i mean what are we looking forward to in the future, and what are our steps getting there...? i've wanted this to work out between us for so long and so badly that i've almost forgotten the why in all of this. i guess im just being extra hyper paranoid (triple underline that statemnet, well the feeling lasted for a few minutes until i realized i had NOTHING else planed. eek, like the cat) that my gift maybe more of a goodbye, foreshadowing, rather than a warm collection of memories with many more to look forward to. patience..patience..its both something learned from another and is constantly relearned.

ps/i dont bother to proof read these much, lately

2005-12-11T10:41:00.000-08:00

we need to pracitice dancing together.

cause in the event of a more important event, and if we end up being the first on the dance floor, we are only asking for trouble. :P

love and kisses.
and i'll stop stepping on your foot if you can make up your mind on where to lead me! har.

all in all, a couple shots of rum and i was pretty good for the night. crazy. but he was on the dance floor- surprise surprise. haha. I guess we had a couple surprises for your seniors huh? we did good hun. points for Toronto, points for law clerk program (you're too sweet with your support, ty), points for pulling it off on the dancefloor (uh, minus the MC hammer..so not happening), and madd points for the pizza.

i just hope neither of us woke up with the gut wrenching feeling of, oh wth did i say that last night? but there were others far more drunk than we were. :)

2005-12-07T02:35:00.000-08:00

induced randomness:

just because i wished on a star sometime ago, that doesn't make you the one that's true.

you should try eating with a light shining through the bottom of the the bowl

ok, so now let me fold up in a corner beneath the dark drapped covers and do my thing.

2005-11-13T01:20:00.000-08:00

and i'd lie awake
and wonder
where we've been
the paths broken
and bidges mended
the streams whose flood still suck at the edges of the dandilions

2005-10-24T17:13:00.000-07:00

PSY385 // Conflict Journal, unedited [DNC]

Entry One
Lunch at Seneca

I am at the caf, sitting at a table eating lunch and doing readings.
Enter group of guys-rude, crass- sit around me, in the empty seats. Conversation I'm less than impressed with. I was ignored. I felt a pressure to leave. I stood my ground in believing I was doing so in defiance. I stayed and pretended as though they weren't there. Eventually they left. But it was difficult for me to do the readings. Whether it was because they were distracting me with their conversational noises, or that I was agitated with the thought that I was being forced to move without being asked. I was pissed off with how they ignored me.

Entry Two

It's starting to get to me, this group of disruptive people in the class. I wish they were stupid, but they are capable, very silly and immature, but capable. To imaging any of them to work within the field is scary. Rude, obnoxious, loud, silly, and vain.

alpha - somewhere not here

Entry Three

On this particular Saturday close...
It was a split shift with the store manager and me. Customer complaints are not unusual for us, if anything they are expected. Yet even with every new customer standing at the counter, will still evoke the feelings of apprehension and being wary about approaching the customer. Should I smile? How should I first approach them? Customer feedback, in any form is a most valuable resource in the restaurant industry, and anything of value was that much more worth its weight in gold at this time. However, this seemed to be a recurring complaint within the next two hours. Anything longer that 5 minutes of confrontation, escalation and de-escalation, was developing into something more serious and hence far more difficult to walk away with a positive demeanor and remembrance of the restaurant.

2005-10-19T20:23:00.000-07:00

there are these girls at school...

i'd would watch such beautiful people accomplishing such impressive tasks and yes i am lured and tempted by these glittering lights. I wonder if the personal choice, or just simply the habit and taking better care of myself, although i am very good at making the argument and escuse that i am above the superficial. But realy, how true is that?
Its the little things like taking good care of my skin. I want to feel comfortable enough to go out feeling that I am just as attractive without the make up. Afterall, make up is only to enhance what I've got, or to just let them focus on what I have going on. haha. In the end I don't want to wear make up to just go out and feel confident. It should be a choice to go out with a naked face, not because I don't have a choice. Am I really doing all that I can do? Or am I so far finding it far more satisfactory to just let some things go. Instead of taking opportunties at their peak. I can't keep taking for granted that I am another "Late Bloomer"- and furthermore, am I really thinking that at all subconsciously?

Why do I want law? Yes it does seem a bit dry, but at the same time I find the knowlege empowering. And I keep telling myself that it won't stop there.

2005-10-18T00:23:00.000-07:00

tied down
unable to exhale
everything is forced to be kept in
bursting at all seams

2005-10-02T21:19:00.000-07:00

I've open this same link over and over again, but the same blank screen leers back at me. Compose flashes in the corner, but nothing is ever typed in to the glaring white. And as my fingers teetert-tooter, hovering over the keys, my mind stretches to its corners pulling in vain for some memory, some moment to grasp and decipher. and my mind, she spins and screams as vicious memories gleam past, scraping, teasing in its tearing pain; the maybe of a promise from sometime past. the type where reality is just too far to grasp.

lifted me up the air, high high high
felt the worlds lifted away their cares
"my mouth is clean, i've had some learning."
"I've drank my worth"
and I've learned
when under the rancid lights
when its so cold cold cold outside
"your heart is ringing in my ear"

2005-09-06T02:05:00.000-07:00

a new semester. *new* flash flash *new*NEW

Temptation.
I’m open to it, but I don’t want you.
Closed, blocked off, no thanks, miss no need for further complication.
Girl one, two, three- a lot of love, a lot of hope, a lot of promises.
I mean how have we wrapped our minds to the fairy tale, or better yet become so cynical and to believe the easy black from the impressionable white?
It’s the grays in between for those who really desire.
I’m not waiting; I’m just not following through. Initiative is easy, interest is easy, but is the impression really of a well, how are u going to keep my time? What do u have to offer me?
… … …
I’m scared. fuck I am scared.

Why do u even still worry about this shit? I mean you've always pulled through. Just get your mind off the sickening pressure, and the memories of those nights when u felt like vomiting because you were that nervous. its not ur life on the line. Just do what you can, do what you know are capable of. You should be able to rise to the expectations and surpass... you've never failed when you've made that honest attempt. So do the shit out of it already. They have got nothing on you

well for what its worth, im scared. im not sure if you'll understand why, or if you'll just brush it off. but I just thought that at least sharing/confessing that fear to someone else will help strengthen a resolve or at least help in my realizing that im not alone.

im just thinking too much. letting emotions override.

I don't want drunken guys calling me.

…. …. ….
and then there are these songs that just hit the right note with you, the feel good tunes. my big couple like one, is bob marley and lauryn hill's turn the lights down low. but what I love about it is that its all mine. its not something that I shared with someone, or had him listen to it, but its a great feel good about someone song that I know that I know he's the one when I can listen to the song and realize that he reminds me of the song and not the song to remind me of him. You get the difference? its a nice and light airy feeling when you realize that your heart really and truly has not been tied and met with the other half. It’s still having those ideas and dreams of the soul mate and then knows of the realities which can associate it with the realistic relationships and still realize that you’re still free, you can even appreciate the airy feeling far more.

2005-08-30T22:54:00.000-07:00

For once in my life, I actually feel that although I am feeling the drive that usually comes from a stress trigger and releaser at the same time, which I may not be able to do it- to reach my goal. It’s the strangest feeling ever, it’s like a defeat but at the same time I haven't lost, but seem to be losing. I can't get that knawing inside of me to stop. I’m impatient, I’m unsure, but I do want to get the ball rolling, but after nudging it just once, I don’t want to deflate the thing if I push to hard and too strong on one point.

Perhaps it is more akin to the feeling of someone just nearing the start line, only to realize that he/she is going into the race on an empty stomach. But however much he/she tries to do the best they can do to prepare; the timing is still not there. The effort of the history of the person's credibility is not available.

I happen to like speculations. I’m hungry, im foolish, I can want, but at the same time swallow, my dreams and be content to have them and to have the luxury of time on my side, or at least the foolishness to believe that I still have time and youth and energy.

--- Later 2:02am---
Am I crazy? Am I only raising hopes only to be dashed in disappointment? Right now, it seems the odds favor the unfortunate predicament. So am I only inspiring hope in vain? No, if I don’t believe it is in vain, than it wasn’t. The mind is a powerful tool. Goals are only strengthened by motivations. Don’t stop. Don’t settle. Don’t think you've reached your goal, and don’t modify that goal. Most people don’t even get half way. Don’t think that you are at your end; you are only beginning- the most exciting part.

Tonight, at the very least, my sister and I can go to sleep with a mind not only calmer, but far more focused.

2005-08-21T02:06:00.000-07:00

As the colour bleeds drains away
Slowly I let myself suffocate
Darnkness blackness drowning me
Splinters pain the finger’s tips
Its heat and warmth a delicious ectacy

But I still am frightened of my words
The truth that lies on my tounge
Spilled to white pages, it soaking up like a sponge

2005-07-20T23:16:00.000-07:00

withdrawal had never had it this good.
finding the wasteshores lined with the refuse of past lovers
their plastics stretching and breaking in its salted seas

and where men never weep
and the skin is always sleek
raindrops and we'd always be walking inbetween
so many friends
so if i hurt one, id never have to make amends

2005-07-04T02:20:00.000-07:00

ive got green slime sneaking past on its 5 tentacles. it oozes and squeezes past, whipsering wet slurps and splotches on the hardwood. it gasps in the open air.

2005-03-30T03:53:00.000-08:00

i wouldnt want to share discression.
figure out what is mine
and leave whats left as yours
screaming
feeling the fear fill the hollow
passing by
fearing fill me up oh yeah
can you tell me of a melody
sweet and low
high with sorrow, fever heated flesh skin flushed
blushed rushed
flutter
flitter
butterfly
flicker
like movie reels
black and white of
checkered picnics
with the blow up pool
colgate smiles
tell me how much ive grown and tatooed with loves painted in red to blush heated cheeks
pinched raw on
the first of july.